Land of Beautiful Nonsense
Last night, on my way back from squash, the taxi driver tuned in to a channel where a preacher was blasting away. I hope the words will sound as humorous in English as it did in Akan.
“You young people of today. When you want to have sex, you wear rubber. You wear rubber! If chicken and goats decided to wear rubber anytime they had sex, how will you get meat to chew? How will you get meat to chew?! I don’t want to hear any more of that family planning nonsense. Judgment day is coming! And some of you, you wake up and all you say is… there are too many churches everywhere, there are too many churches everywhere. Why don’t you say there are too many lotto kiosks everywhere? Judgment day is coming!
“Judgement day is around the corner. On that day, God will ask all the white folk to stand to one side and the black folk to the other side and if you are mixed race tell me, where will you stand? Where will you stand?"
The last bit I heard before the taxi driver graciously tuned in to another channel was one against smokers. He went on: “Yes, keep saying smoking weed is not a sin, smoking cigarette is not a sin. Look at your blood shot eyes and black teeth. You look like a criminal! On the judgment day, God will tell you: “Yes, weed is not a sin, cigarette is not a sin. Just show me your teeth. Show him your black teeth and see where you’ll end up. Judgment day is coming!"
There's also the story of the man who was contesting for the position of Assembly man in Cape Coast. This is what ensued at the forum. After much drumming and dancing, it was time to ask questions and a fisherman quickly raised his hand.
Assemblo, I greet you
(Assembro, is a slang for “Assembly Man”.
I respond sir. What is your question.
The fisherman moves forward and takes the microphone and stands boldly by the candidate:
Assembro, you know we have a problem with our latrines in this community. The only tanker that used to empty our “manholes” has broken down. So when we vote for you, what are you going to do about it?
The candidate, offended by the question, snatches the microphone from the fisherman. He takes a deep breath and says?
Err, thank you for your question. I'd want you to know that, when I become the assembly man, I will go to Melcom and buy a very long water hose. A really long one and then I will put one end in your toilet in your home and the other end in my mouth and I will suck and I will suck and I suck it all out. NONSENSE. How can you ask me such a stupid question?!!!!
The fisherman, unmoved by the candidates rudeness, grabs the microphone again and asks a second question:
Assembro, you have not even become the assembly man yet, and you have two wives, how can you convince us that when we vote for you, you will not use our money to marry more wives?
The candidate who was already fuming from the first question didn’t bother taking the microphone and starting yelling at the fisherman.
That is a stupid question. Stop asking me stupid questions.
Yes, that is how they do politics in Cape Coast.